view member journals

what what time for bed!!

Life is pressure...

we can't do anything about it.

friends...peer pressure.

school...pressure for your future.

parents...pressure to stay what they want you to be.

instructors...an addition tto your list of pressures.

and above all....

myself...i pressure myself and think of everyone else...and it just sums up to...

giving up......

but

i still can't...because pressure is what keeps me going, but it also stresses me out...

what am ito do?

what is better?

let pressure stay and risk getting crazy...

or let pressure be the centre of my non-ending life?

i am tired. i, also,�need to rest.

i feel like i could cry at the moment, you know when you get a pressured feeling in your heart and head, like your gonna explode, well thats me.�im so annoyed cos im still trying to desperately drop history and when my form tutor needed to speak to my dad today, surprise surpirse, he was not at his desk and his permission is needed for me to give up history, so this could drag�out for the rest of the week. im getting do pissed- it got to me so much� that last week before a history lecture i got so upset from all the pressure that in a moment of histeria i was trying to smash the car window in while crying. my history teacher is no good either, hes just one of those people that no matter what you say is the problem they go ' well im not worried , i think you'll do fine'. this, for once, is not the answer i wanted to hear, but some good proper adivse, which you clearly suck at dishing out.

we are nearly there with moving house but that is just added pressure and i dont think that this family can take much more. the boiler broke in the week which meant that we had to shower down at my grandmas and when they did fix it , water had started to leak through the ceiling from the loft. please god we will be out of here within the month. i cant stand this house, such there were some good memories but for me they are slightly outweighed by�the bad and miserable ones and we all need a fresh start in brand new surrounding to just calm everyone down and build a better relationship between this family. basically this really is starting to resemble a house made out of cardboard and sticky paster

She is definitely the most wonderful and beautiful woman, and i've spent so much time looking in a direction that was not Hers.� Now, i can see Her for Her.� i saw Her true self continuously for the first time this weekend, i will hold onto that, i will not let it go because of my insecurities about myself.� my insecurities have nothing to do with Her, She is by far more beautiful than i could have ever imagined to be possible.� i will attack Her, say bad things about Her, i will await Her time, when it is right for Her to talk to me, i will be patient, and if that means i must wait a month to speak with Her, even though it will hurt, and i will miss that beautiful smile, and voice, i will wait.� She is truly a gift from Heaven, and i will cherish that gift, and love Her in a way that is condusive to Her, if it's only loving Her as a friend, then that's what it must be.�

Last Monday Mike text me & asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said no & he asked if I would like to do something. I said I would love to. He came over I made dinner, we played w/ Aleea, watched a movie, & we went to bed. We had sex 4 times that night & he seemed to search for me all night to hold me. He smiled & seemed so happy. I even asked before we did everything if we would be ok after & he said no. The next day we briefly texted each other by Thursday he said he didn't think we would work. I asked lets just date & take out time no preasure he said he didn't think it would work but also said he would think about it. Sunday I asked when I picked up AJ if he still felt the same. He said yes. After I got home I called him to talk & said I truelly believe we could make this work. He said he was more compatible w/ Mindy... The woman 3 days earlier he said was 1/2 the woman I am. Maybe I should move back to Rockford & smoke crack & then I will be more compatable. Our family is worth saving to me but not him. I dont know how to let go..,.. I do know I wont let him close to me again. I wont answer any text that remotely talks about us because it is nothing but a head game. I dont deserve that... I wish I had chosen a man that would put his family before anything to have children w/ He says we fought to much & doesn't thinnk it could have changed enough. Why not try? Better yet why the hell do I care. Why can't I move on &�find someone that loves me unconditionally. Does that only exist between parents &�children? Some much goes though my head. I cant sleep... I was finally getting better & told him I was happy. I guess he just couldn't let that be... I can't wait for the day that he comes back & I can look him in the face &�tell him no NEVER AGAIN!

ahhh Clive Owen does a body good hahaha!

I get so frusturated with myself when things aren't going my way but at the same time it is all up to me....my weight, my business, my personal life it's all in my hands.....then why don't I just do what it takes loose the five pounds, research and date be more social?? Is it the way i'm made is it my own stuborness or am I just lazy??� is it that i don't get an automatic response all these things take time not a quick fix...doing things over time that is where i see my result but i just procrastinate and procrastinate then set goals and never meet them. is this why i'm unhappy or am i just truly unhappy with the way i deal with things. How come i'm not driven constantly or have that ambition that some people poses? why why why??

Went shooting this weekend around the castro and mission then up to the hill today. I love photography so much the wondering about the unexpected the beauty of what i can find with my camera....I just love it! it maybe the best feeling i can have next to a really great orgasim and a fantastic yoga class. hahaha!

Had a good saturday night shooting my holga then suhi with the girls then off to el rio for suffleboard and beers! Got an ear full on Mike situation and seem to agree with them that he really just wants fun and casual and I'm not into that just want something a little more real and serious. nothing wrong in knowing what you want is there?? not sure if i'm going to dating but def keeping my eye open that's for sure :)

�We listen to their cries of pain,

As we take the enemy's name in vein.

For they too think alike,

And release their rage with a terrible might.

So why a war, this war we fight,

Does peace not shed its golden light?

Instead we give eachother hell,

And along the way, others as well.

This war must end, some way, some how,

It must end not later, but now.

For in the end no one wins,

In the end it's only sins.

So why a war, this war we fight,

Is their no end in my sight?